


Batsquatch

by TheseusInTheMaze



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Ass Bats, Background Shane Madej/Sara Rubin, Banter, Cryptid Hunting, M/M, Oral Sex, Outdoor Sex, Podfic Welcome, Romance, handjob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 11:16:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16742956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheseusInTheMaze/pseuds/TheseusInTheMaze
Summary: Ryan's suggestion to go find a new cryptid seems to have some ulterior motives.





	Batsquatch

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beethechange](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beethechange/gifts).



> So it turns out that you can't actually go hiking at night on Mt. St. Helens, but I couldn't pass up the chance.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Thank you, beau, for betaing this!

"So," Shane said, sitting under a tree, staring up at the moon through the branches, "Batsquatch."

"Listen," said Ryan, "it _was_ seen!"

He was sitting across from Shane, on the spread out picnic blanket. He had his knees drawn up to his chest, and was resting his chin on them. 

"After a volcanic eruption," said Shane. "You know, those things where a whole lot of gases escape, generally filling the air. The kinds of gases that make someone see stuff."

"That guy wasn't the only one who saw it," Ryan insisted, as he took a bite out of a peach.

The juice ran down his chin, and the moonlight was bright enough that Shane could make out the dark spot where the peach juice soaked into Ryan's sweater.

"Yeah, but again, gases," said Shane. "One guy starts spouting off about seeing... what was it, a giant bat? - and then everyone else has suddenly seen it as well. You ever try telling a group of stoners there's a cat in the room when there isn't a cat?"

"It had the body of an ape, the head of a wolf, and the wings of a bat," Ryan said. He took another bite of his peach. 

The moonlight cast shadows across Ryan's face, breaking the light up into interesting bits. 

"So these people-- who are dealing with the aftermath of an erupting volcano, might I add--- have the time to make notes about all of these details?" Shane shifted, sitting cross legged, his elbows on his thighs. 

It was weird to be bantering like this, about a cryptid, with no cameras rolling. 

There was no crew, no worrying about the light balance or the sound, just the two of them on the side of a mountain with a picnic basket. 

Shane hadn't expected Ryan to suggest a romantic little getaway to a different state - Ryan still got bashful about doing romantic stuff with Shane. He always seemed worried that Sara would think he was honing in on her turf (he was still getting used to the polyamory thing), or maybe that Shane would find it funny.

So he'd proposed a cryptid hunt, just the two of them for the next three day weekend.

Which brought them... here.

Sitting on the side of a mountain, eating sandwiches and fruit, the moon grinning down at them like a cheap Halloween mask. 

Shane snapped out of his daze by Ryan's foot, prodding him in the thigh.

"Hm?"

"You spaced out there, buddy."

"Sorry 'bout that," said Shane. 

"I'm just saying," Ryan said, with the air of someone repeating themselves, "if _I_ saw something weird like a Batsquatch, I'd be taking notes." He finished his peach, shoving the pit into the little bag they're brought for garbage. 

"While running away from volcano debris and trying not to choke on gases and probably peeing yourself from terror?"

Ryan scooted closer, until he was leaning against Shane - the two of them were hip to hip, and Ryan rested his head on Shane's shoulder.

It was so picturesque that Shane kinda wanted to be sick, except he was too damn charmed to complain - he just wrapped an arm around Ryan's shoulders, looking out over the expanse.

They were by a rock ledge, looking out at the valley spread before them, and it looked like something from a painting.

"I can remember things," Ryan said, although he sounded like he wasn't paying much attention. His face was in Shane's neck now, and his breath was ticklish against Shane's skin.

"What'd you have for dinner yesterday?"

"That's not, like, important," Ryan huffed, and then his hand was sliding into Shane's, interlinking their fingers, the pad of his thumb passing over the knobs of Shane's knuckles. "I meant important stuff."

Ryan's hand was sticky, where the peach juice had dripped onto it. 

"And Batsquatch is important?"

"Batsquatch is important."

"So you didn't want to actually take me out on a romantic getaway," Shane huffed, putting on a hurt tone. "You just wanted to chase after Batsquatch." He made to disentangle himself, although he was still holding on to Ryan's hand. 

"I am not _chasing_ after anything," Ryan argued, and squeezed Shane's fingers. "I don't think we're going to actually see Batsquatch."

"Maybe I'd like to see Batsquatch," Shane countered.

"You'd probably have to make the mountain erupt again," Ryan said, his tone thoughtful. "Since that was when he was seen the first time. There's a theory that it drove him out of his natural habitat."

"His natural habitat? Where? Among the other Batsquatches? Are they, like, a species, or is this a one off? An individual, some kind of anomaly?” Shane squeezed Ryan’s shoulder, then moved his hand lower, to Ryan’s arm.

“You’re humoring me,” Ryan groused, snuggling into Shane’s side.

“I am not,” said Shane. “I’m simply speaking in the spirit of inquiry!”

“You’re talkin’ out of your ass,” said Ryan, his tone affectionate. His hand went to Shane’s knee, and gave it a squeeze. 

“Are you implying that Batsquatch is some kind of ass bat? Ryan, how dare you sully his good name!” Shane leaned in, his nose pressed into Ryan’s temple. He took in the scent of Ryan, letting it fill his head.

“I thought you didn’t believe in Batsquatch,” Ryan said. His hand cupped Shane’s cheek, thumbing at Shane’s cheekbone.

“I don’t know if I do or don’t yet,” said Shane. “He was probably a hallucination brought on by volcano gases, but far be it from me to impinge on his honor by suggesting he was an ass bat.” He kissed Ryan’s temple. 

“Oh my god, Shane,” said Ryan. He snickered and sat up, swinging a leg over Shane’s body to straddle Shane’s lap.

“Hi,” said Shane, looking up at Ryan, practically luminous in the moonlight. 

“Hi,” said Ryan, and then he was leaning in, his hand on the back of Shane’s head, his fingers tangled in the hair there, his palm against the curve of Shane’s skull.

Ryan kissed Shane, his tongue warm against the seam of Shane’s lips.

Shane parted his lips-- faintly chapped but soft all the same, and let Ryan in. He let Ryan into his mouth, his own hands went to Ryan’s face, palms scraping against the stubble there, then moved down, feeling the column of Ryan’s neck to the firmness of Ryan’s biceps, bulging under the sweater.

“So is it the Batsquatch or the ass bats that gets you going?” Shane teased, when they came back up for air. His voice was a little bit breathless. . He slid his hands down further, to the spot where Ryan’s shirt rode up and his pants sagged down. 

Ryan arched into the touch, pressing closer.

“Shut up, Shane,” he said, and groaned, as Shane kissed along his jaw, down to the spot behind his ear, then lower along his throat. Shane kissed along the stubble, then shoved the neck of Ryan’s sweater to the side, sucking on the spot where his neck met his shoulder, his teeth digging in with just enough pressure to make Ryan go completely rigid.

Shane sucked until he tasted pennies, then pulled off, leaning back to admire his handiwork. 

The moonlight was bright enough that he could see it - a dark splotch on Ryan’s neck, like a shadow.

“I’m going to be wearing turtlenecks at the office for like a week,” Ryan complained.

“I mean, if that’s the case,” said Shane, and then he was pulling Ryan closer again, his mouth on Ryan’s pulse point, nipping, then sucking.

Ryan’s stubble was rough against Shane’s tongue, Ryan’s hands were clutching at the back of his head, yanking at Shane’s hair, and that was… okay, that was a sting, a good sting, and Shane’s fingers dug into Ryan’s hips.

“That didn’t mean bite me _more_ , you fuckin’... vampire,” groused Ryan. 

“First Batsquatch is an ass bat, now I’m a vampire… you’re getting all of your species mixed up,” said Shane, as he kissed up Ryan’s jaw again, towards Ryan’s ear. 

“Species,” said Ryan. “That’s the word you’re using?” His hands had moved to Shane’s belly, pushing up the hem of Shane’s shirt and baring the skin to the cooler air. 

“Shut up,” Shane mumbled, “I’m horny. It makes me stupid.” 

“So you’re admitting I make you horny?” Ryan pressed his forehead against Shane’s, nose to nose. 

His lips were smiling against Shane’s, when they kissed again. 

“Ryan, you are literally straddling my lap and kissing me. If I wasn’t horny, I’d be .” 

"I mean," Ryan said, and he sounded bashful, his cheek heating up where it was pressed against Shane's forehead, "when you put it like that."

"I do indeed put it like that," said Shane, and his hand slid down the back of Ryan's pants, grabbing Ryan's ass and squeezing. 

Ryan arched his back, and he ground down, onto Shane's erection.

Shane's cock had already slipped through the slot at the front of his boxers, and was pressing against his zipper.

Ryan kept grinding down, and Shane moaned, his face in the other side of Ryan's neck now, and hekissed along the tendon, pausing to give Ryan a bite, then another hickey, a little lower this time.

"I'm going to look like I got attacked by a leech," Ryan mumbled, although he didn't seem that put out by it.

Shane's hands left the back of Ryan's pants, went up Ryan's back, and he ran his fingers along the rippling skin, as the muscles tensed.

The knobs of Ryan's spine were a mountain range under Shane's hands; his shoulder blades shifting like tectonic plates

"You're, like, a whole world to me," Shane mumbled into Ryan's neck, and he bit it again, a little harder this time. 

Ryan groaned; a long, drawn out sound, and it vibrated through Ryan's chest and through his back. It tickled along the palms of Shane’s hands. 

"That may have been the cheesiest thing you've ever said to me," Ryan mumbled. 

"Are you complaining?"

Shane pulled back, looking up into Ryan's eyes. They were almost like the eye sockets of a skull, in the starkness of the moonlight - all shadow and flashes of white.

Ryan licked his lips, and Shane's eyes were drawn to the sweep of his pink tongue. 

Shane shuddered, and Ryan leaned forward again, kissing Shane on the mouth again, sweeter this time, almost soft.

Shane sighed into the kiss, his mouth opening, and this was as familiar as his favorite pair of boots, comfortable and just where he wanted to be.

He swiped his tongue across the roof of Ryan's mouth, and then Ryan was sucking on his tongue, his hands were under Shane’s shirt, skating along his ribs.

Ryan's fingers found Shane's nipples, and Shane gasped into Ryan's mouth, as Ryan twisted Shane's nipples between his knuckles.

"They're not radio dials," Shane mumbled against Ryan's mouth.

Ryan made an amused sort of noise, and he used the very tips of his fingers to twist them, a little more gently this time.

"Sorry 'bout that," he said, although he didn't sound it.

"Of course," Shane said, and then he hissed, as one hand went lower, down beneath Ryan's body, to press down on Shane's cock through the denim of Shane's jeans.

Shane moaned again, louder this time, and his hips twitched upwards.

"I gotta be honest with you, big guy," said Ryan, "I kinda orchestrated this whole trip for this."

Shane paused, trying to get his brain into some kind of working order, as Ryan climbed off of his lap. Shane missed Ryan already - it was suddenly a lot colder, without the warm press of their bodies together.

"For this?"

"I really, really wanted to suck your dick outside, under the full moon," said Ryan, as if that was just a... a _thing_ that people said, in their day to day life.

Oh god.

Shane shoved a hand between his legs to squeeze his cock, which was throbbing up at him like a broken tooth. 

"Did you now?" His voice was faint, and seemed to be coming from a long way off.

"Yep," said Ryan.

He settled between Shane's legs on the picnic basket, his hands going to Shane's inner thighs, spreading Shane's legs open even further. 

"You orchestrated this whole trip - ass bats, Batsquatch, and all - just to give me head under the full moon?"

"There haven't been any ass bats," Ryan pointed out, and he was pushing the whole mess of Shane's layers up - the t-shirt, the button down flannel shirt on top of it.

"Hold on a sec," said Shane, and then he sat up a bit more, fumbling the buttons of his shirt open, then shrugging out of it. His arms were bare now, and all of the hair on his arms was standing on end, as his skin erupted in wave after wave of goosebumps.

"There haven't been ass bats," Ryan said again, and now he was pushing Shane's t-shirt up again, to mouth at Shane's nipples, first one, then the other, sucking on them _hard_ , just the way that Shane liked it.

"Okay," Shane said, breathless. "So no ass bats. But... you seriously brought us out to fucking... oh god, _Ry_!"

"Hmm?"

Ryan kissed next to Shane's nipple, and then he bit it, beginning to suck on it. 

Shane's hands were on Ryan's shoulders. 

Huh.

When had that happened?

Shane's hands were on Ryan's shoulders, and his fingers were digging into Ryan's shoulders, the fabric of Ryan's own flannel shirt bunching up under his hands, the muscles flexing as Ryan's hands ran up and down Shane's sides, as Ryan left a trail of hickeys down Shane's chest, Shane's belly, down towards the waistband of Shane's pants. 

“I’m not gonna be able to be shirtless at work,” Shane mumbled, and his hands were in Ryan’s hair now, his fingertips pressing into Ryan’s scalp.

Ryan paused, looking up at Shane, and the silvery light made the planes of his face as stark as the craters of the moon, all shining white and black shadow. 

“Turtlenecks,” Ryan said, and one hand went to his neck where, okay, there _were_ kind of a lot of hickeys. 

“Okay, okay,” said Shane. “I get the point.”

Ryan rolled his eyes, and he unbuttoned Shane’s pants, then unzipped them. His hand slid in, awkwardly, and his palm curled around Shane’s shaft. “For the record,” he told Shane, “I still think that you’ve got too much dick.”

“You don’t usually have complaints when I’m using it,” Shane said, trying not to utterly embarrass himself and hump into Ryan’s hand. 

“I’m not even complaining right now,” Ryan countered, pushing down the waistband of Shane’s boxers, so that Shane’s cock could spring forward,achingly hard. Shane shuddered, the cold air hitting the overheated skin. 

“Saying… saying too much… implies dissatisfaction,” Shane pointed out.

“Far be it from me to make you think that I’m dissatisfied,” said Ryan. 

“...What?” Maybe it was the way that Ryan’s thumb was up against his frenulum, but Shane was having trouble parsing that sentence.

“Shut up,” Ryan said. “You expect me to make sense, when you’re just sitting there looking like _that?!_ ”

Ryan made a wide, sweeping gesture at Shane’s whole self, sprawled out on the picnic blanket, silver in the moonlight. His own craggy face was probably sending out strange shadows, come to think of it. 

“I don’t look like anything but myself,” Shane pointed out.

Ryan rolled his eyes, then bent forward, his hands still on Shane’s inner thighs. He fistedthe base of Shane’s cock, breath tickling the head of Shane’s cock.

Shane was on edge - he was too aware of himself, aware of all the places his body was being touched, from Ryan’s warm presence between his legs to the tree bark digging into his back, to the scent of the trees and the dirt, filling his whole head. 

The head of his cock rubbed against Ryan’s lower lip now, and Ryan’s tongue was darting out occasionally, to swipe along the tip, or to trace the thick vein along the underside. Occasionally, Ryan would switch his grip, to the head of Shane’s cock. He kissed along the length of Shane’s cock, wet and sloppy, and then it was back to the head, until Shane was clutching at the picnic blanket, so hard that he thought he might rip the thin cloth. 

Ryan kept up the torment for far too long, although time was an alien concept at present - but who knew; maybe it had stopped existing at this point. Then Ryan was sitting back, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, and it was just about the most obscene thing that Shane had ever seen.

He must have made some kind of protesting noise, because Ryan made eye contact, and raised an eyebrow.

“Y’like that, big guy?” Ryan teased.

Shane made some kind of undignified noise that could probably be best described by a cat on a computer keyboard, then almost _sobbed_ as Ryan leaned down, his mouth open, and engulfed the head of Shane’s cock in his mouth.

One of Shane’s hands went to his own hair, twisting it around and around his fingers, the other on Ryan’s head. He did his best not to push Ryan’s mouth onto his cock. Ryan had a strong gag reflex, but there was a time and a place.

“God, Ry,” Shane panted. He threw his head back, nearly hitting it on the tree. He stared up at the full moon, so bright he swore it could blind him. He looked down again at the top of Ryan’s head as it bobbed, and his cock twitched inside of Ryan’s mouth. “Fuck….”

Drool dribbled down Shane’s shaft, and then Ryan was taking Shane deeper into his mouth, deeper into his throat, and he was swallowing around Shane’s cock, the muscles of his throat squeezing and releasing.

Somewhere far off, someone was making a whole bunch of incoherent noises that might have been words. .

Oh, hey.

That must have been Shane.

Cool.

He tried to tune in to his own mind, at least a little bit, tried not to fuck up into Ryan’s mouth, tried not to let his cock jab against the back of Ryan’s throat.

“God, Ryan, your mouth is so… good, you feel so good… you’re so… I… fuck, _fuck_!”

He pressed his hand over his own mouth, to stop the incessant babble, and his fingertips stroked haphazardly across Ryan’s scalp, then went lower, to the hinge of Ryan’s jaw. 

Ryan made a wet, quiet noise, and then pulled almost all the way off, his mouth sealed around the tip, tonguing the slit, then tracing along the edges of the head. His fist gripped rest of the shaft, clumsily jerking Shane off, lubricated by all the pre-come and spit.

“Ryan, oh fuck,” mumbled Shane, his hips rolled forward, trying in vain not to thrust into his welcoming mouth.Ryan put his hand on Shane’s hip, but it wasn’t trying to pin him, it was just there, squeezing. “Great idea, Ryan, fuck, this was… this is… I… oh… _your tongue_ , do that again, _please_!”

Ryan was doing something with his tongue, but Shane couldn’t quite figure out what, exactly, it was.

Fucked if Shane knew, except it had swirling and then it was flickering and wriggling, and Shane’s orgasm was building in his gut, like a lightning strike.

His whole body erupted in goosebumps, and he was stared up at the sky, at the stars blinking down at them, and then down at Ryan, who would glance up at him occasionally. 

The light of the moon began to burrow its way behind Shane’s eyes, so he covered his eyes with one hand, his other firmly on the back of Ryan’s head, not keeping him in place or forcing him down, but definitely using it to keep his own bearings.

“I’m gonna come, Ryan,” Shane said, when some inordinate amount of time had passed, and the pressure in his belly was tight enough that it was just about to burst.

Shane was going to shatter into a million pieces, he was going to give way like a dam, and he’d be taken away with the current, left completely undone, but who the fuck cared?

And Ryan… Ryan took Shane’s whole cock into his mouth, down his throat, and he swallowed again, his hands clumsily holding on to Shane’s hips, squeezing them. 

Shane didn’t really have a say in it this time, did he?

He came.

His last coherent thought before his orgasm overtook him was, _’if Batsquatch is real, he must think we’re complete perverts’_ , and he snickered to himself even as the first waves of pleasure washed over him.

His cock pulsed as the pressure crested inside of him, and snapped like a plate.  
Moaning into his hand, his hips twitching forward as the heat traveled through him, leaving him spent and wrung out. Sweat dripped down his back, his spent cock twitching in Ryan’s mouth.

Ryan just swallowed it all. He popped off of Shane’s cock, making a face, and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand.

Shane leaned forward, a hand under Ryan’s chin, and he kissed Ryan, awkwardly, tasting his own arousal, tasting Ryan. 

“Wow,” Shane said, when he could breathe again. He tucked a piece of sweaty hair behind his ear, embarrassed in spite of himself at his sweaty appearance and the awkwardness of showing that vulnerable side of himself. 

But here was Ryan, kissing him again, and then Ryan was pressing closer, and he’d opened his pants at some point, and Shane’s hand was grabbing Ryan’s cock, holding it in his hand.

Ryan dick was a good size, thicker than Shane’s. It lay hot and solid in Shane’s hand as he stroked it from root to tip, then wrapped his fist around the head, pressing his thumb around the slit to spread the pre-come that leaked from the tip. Ryan kissed him, deeper this time; sloppier.

Shane let Ryan suck on his tongue, let Ryan bite his lip - he was distracted from the kiss as he concentrated on working Ryan over. He squeezed the shaft in his hand, and then he began to jerk Ryan off, moving his fist along the length, before concentrating on the head. He used quick, efficient little jerks of his wrist, just the way Ryan loved it, and Ryan gasped and moaned into his mouth. Then Ryan groaned like he was dying, and his cock pulsed in Shane’s hand, shooting come across the backs of Shane’s knuckles, onto Shane’s shirt.

“Fuck,” Ryan said, and his voice was thick. “Oh… fuck, Shane….”

“Good?”

“Oh yeah,” Ryan said, and he shivered. “Fuck.”

“We should get moving,” said Shane. “If we want to get back to the car in one piece, I mean. It’s still super bright, but the moon is probably gonna start going down soon.”

“Yeah,” said Ryan, and he stretched, standing up on shaky legs. “Wow. Yeah, okay, my knees already hurt. I’m looking forward to having a bed to lie in.”

“I don’t just wanna lie in the bed,” Shane said, and he waggled his eyebrows, groping around for a napkin from the pile next to him, to wipe his jizz covered hand on. 

“You’re insatiable,” Ryan said, doing his pants back up, his tone fond.

“Would you have me any other way?” Shane buttoned his pants back up, then stood up as well, stretching his legs. They’d gone stiff, from sitting for so long. 

“... well, no,” said Ryan.

The two of them went about the business of cleaning up - putting everything in their designated trash bag, distributing stuff into different bags, generally sorting it out so they could hike back down. 

When the blanket was folded up and back in Shane’s backpack, Ryan looked at their little picnic spot, still bright in the moonlight.

“I think that’s everything,” said Ryan.

“Right,” said Shane. “Ready to go?” He held a hand out.

“Ready,” said Ryan, and he took Shane’s hand. 

The two of them began to walk down the trail, slowly in the low light, so as not to trip. 

“This was a good idea,” Shane said, looking up a the sky through the canopy of trees. 

“Hm?”

“Coming here. The picnic. The whole… shebang.”

Ryan snorted, and he kissed Shane, right along Shane’s jaw. “I’m glad,” he said. “I’m just sad that we didn’t get a chance to see Batsquatch.”

“Or any ass bats,” Shane added.

“There’s no such thing as ass bats!”

“That _you_ know of!”

**Author's Note:**

> Like this fic?
> 
> Want me to write you something like it, or something completely different?
> 
> Come talk to me on my tumblr, theseusinthemaze.tumblr.com!


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